WOMEN

Women

Men have been hearing for decades that they are lousy lovers.  It's a
giventhing in this culture.  If we believe what women have been telling us, it
seems that today's males are hasty, inconsiderate, ignorant, confused, and uncaring.

Men are supposedly limp-dicked premature ejaculators with no sense of
timing or communication.  But the truth of  the matter is that women
contribute as much to our culture's sexual malaise as men do.  Let's
consider the classes of  lousy lovers among women:


The Otherwise Engaged: If she were on a frequent flier plan, it would take
her ten  years to earn a trip from Heathrow to Aberdeen.  To live with
her is to not know her.  "Not tonight, I have a  headache" has become
"Not this year,I have a career."  In this relationship, the hand you hold
will probably be your own, but don't be embarrassed by that.  Rejection
and lack of interest are general all over this workaholic  culture.  You
think you're the Lone Ranger because you're living with an Infrequent

Flier?  Then who are all those  other masked men out there?

The Cliff Dweller: She lives on the edge of everything, especially the
extended  orgasm.  It is always just around the corner, but the corner is
forever disappearing into the distance.  Superman might be able to
satisfy her, but it's 60/40 he'll finally give up and take a nap.  Be
assured that when he awakes,he'll hear about how inconsiderate he was.

The Sperm Hater: This woman has a basic fear of our precious bodily

fluids.She treats the male orgasm as if it were an explosion at a nuclear
powerstation.  She scrambles away, a  distasteful expression on her face,
as you lie there like a beached whale.  By her standards, sperm is
radioactive poison and should never be deposited on skin, sheets, or
clothing.  She is also the Fastest Douche in the West.

The  Statistician: You can spot her by the tape measure she keeps under
thepillow and the pencil marks on her wall.  She's a combination C.P.A.,

historian,and Official Scorer.  Her brain is one big computer printout,
andif you  ask her, she'll reel off numbers and measurements that boggle
yourmind: how your rate compared with other lovers in terms of genital
heft,number of orgasms(hers, then yours), errors committed, times you
were too base and runs batted in.  Her accounting will be accurate, impersonal,
and cold.  Only her eyes will glow as she quantifies love.

The Electrician: Yes, you guessed it; the Electrician is sister to

the Statistician.  Indeed, they may be one and the same person.  The
Electrician punches data into here computer keyboard while your lovemaking
progresses, but it  will be difficult for you to see that as you struggle
to keep your headphones from  becoming entangled with hers and as you
sort out the vibrators that she keeps in a batrack by her bed.  On
average, she will have two videotape machines running, one to record your
activities, the other to play back an X-rated movie for the television

monitor on her ceiling.  Don't feel dehumanized by the stockmarket ticker she
has on her wall.  And, yes, it can be disconcerting when the Electrician carries on
telephone conversations from one of six phones she has on her  headboard
while you are huffing and puffing away.

The Aerobic Lover: Isn't she something?  Will her activity ever cease?
Whydoes your back hurt?  Why are you dehydrated?  Why are you wondering if
you'll have a coronary and she'll never even notice?  Is it fair that she

can go for four hours straight and never even stop for breath?  Why  does
she wear her aerobic dance shoes to bed? Lucozade instead of champagne.
Only one change of sweatbands allowed.  Mirrors all over, even the
floor.  "Bolero" is too slow for her.  What are those yelping sounds she
makes at odd moments?  Why does she confuse you with her aerobics
instructor?  Why does she have a hotline to her own team of paramedics?
Why are they leaning over you and giving you oxygen? Why is she still

bouncing on the bed?

The Screecher: This one is sneaky and mean.  There is no known way to spot
her beforehand, either.  You just have to place you bets and then go for
broke.It's a sweet moment.  You're making love with a warm and wonderful
woman, and if the truth were known, this is how you'd like to make your
living.  You wait for her; you hold yourself in; you administer and
placateand excite.  Then, as you feel her rhythms rise, your own pleasure
approaches; and as she rides into her sunset, you take a deep breath

and...your ears; what is happening to your ears?You have never heard a
sound like that before.  Is it nuclear war?  Is there a jet engine in the
room? There is this unearthly screeching going on, and there is no
distancebetween you and the screeching.  She has your head in a vise, and
her mouth has just swallowed your eardrums.  They are somewhere slightly
above her voice box, and they are now hers forever, because you will never hear
again,not a sound, not even the whimper of a child.  The Screecher has

claimed another victim.......

BABY SIZE

Baby Size

Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their
relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed
and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know
that her chest was just like a babys. He said that he loved her and
that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his
penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size
didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That
night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort

hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy
nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the
bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like
a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and
her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was
going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his
penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said

"Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby"
"It is" he said "9 pounds and 21 inches long"

A HUGE JUMBO JET

A

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport
(Toronto)
on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.

"This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to
thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto."

Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now
hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in
Toronto?"


Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.

"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for
a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper,
you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her
back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night."

Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
She's so embarassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to

the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old
ladies bag - ***splat *** and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go
for a shit first."

9 TYPES OF GIRLFRIENDS

9 Types of Girlfriends

1) Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you
shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main
squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

2) Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent
son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me
miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog
from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you

Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

3) Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet.  My cramps.  My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

4) The Bosser - "Stand up straight.  Put on a different tie.  Get a
haircut.  Change your job.  Make some money. Don't
give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and
Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

5) Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide.  Should I switch
my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

6) Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an'
make love onna front lawn. I done it
before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

7) Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

8) Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain
how I feel about our relationship"

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad
News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

9) Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you
are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think
we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you